i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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