Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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