anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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