And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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