I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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