I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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