ugly people sure do ruin things
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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