what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
