guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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