look no pants
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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