I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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