in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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