in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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