i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
