so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
