i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize