I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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