Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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