you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
