If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
