i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
