smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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