I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
