Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
