I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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