You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
