i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
