And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
