What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize