# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my sisters under your porch take her home
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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