I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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