u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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