that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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