Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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