Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
