If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
