Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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