When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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