If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's official drugs can't kill me
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
