Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
