I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
