You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize