bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
