the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
