if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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