I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
