i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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