i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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