I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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