So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize