i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
