the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You left your phone here
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