I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
birth control should be required to get into college
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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