tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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