I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
