Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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