I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
