I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
